Over recent months, I have been suggesting that single women compile a list of the attributes they desire in a partner. Yet, my own biggest challenge this past year was discovering that many of my friends lacked the very qualities I sought in a romantic partner, such as empathy, ambition, or self-sufficiency.

I recently distanced myself from a friend after realizing our values and views on politics, immigration, and racism were completely opposed. She appeared to support far-right conservative ideas, asserting that people of color consistently play the victim and that racism is not real. Hearing this was painful for me as a woman of color.

My friendships were not the result of deliberate selection; they simply occurred as I navigated different environments in my early twenties. Some bonds formed because we were coworkers who saw each other daily, while others began because we were classmates in university. I had never consciously chosen a friend because they motivated me, because I respected their emotional intelligence and character, or because I aspired to their position in life.

Consequently, near the end of last year, I decided to create a list of the traits I want in my friends as a New Year’s resolution. My 30-item list included qualities such as loyalty, honesty, a willingness to regularly invest in the relationship, the ability to listen to my experiences and affirm me without immediately giving advice, and being dependable and not taking advantage. This exercise also helped me value certain qualities that my .

After compiling the list, I ceased making efforts to “catch up” with friends or acquaintances I only saw annually or semi-annually. I understood that I no longer desired relationships that required catching up. I stopped contacting people who never made the first move to make plans or check on me. In one case, I had a full-blown breakup discussion with a friend via voice messages that lasted more than three days before we went our separate ways.

We are experiencing an epidemic of loneliness, even though we predominantly live in crowded cities filled with chances to connect. I spoke with , a licensed psychotherapist and faculty member at Gestalt Associates in New York, to understand the value of being intentional. He explained to me, “With each passing year, we ought to understand ourselves more deeply. This means we should get better at foreseeing what will bring us lasting happiness.” Just as we recognize when romantic relationships are not beneficial, we can identify which friendships are not serving us.

“If you can set a boundary like, ‘I will no longer be available to a man who asks me out at the last minute,’ then is it really so different to say, ‘I won’t allocate time for friends who don’t consider me a priority’?” Worthy inquired. As social beings whose existence has relied on belonging and who are innately driven to seek connection, it is interesting that we are selective about the bonds we pursue. This selectivity is why creating a friendship list was so important for me.

After making the list, I began to view my relationships from a new perspective and committed to only nurturing friendships in 2025 that matched the criteria. Some friendships gradually faded away, while others ended in more dramatic fashion. For example, a close friend, who I discovered was an anti-vaccination advocate and whose beliefs increasingly conflicted with my own, sent me a five-page letter to terminate our friendship. She became very upset when I was completely accepting of her decision. She then sent me 45-minute voice messages where she was crying, believing I didn’t care about her because I wasn’t strongly affected by the end of our friendship. It wasn’t a sudden rupture, but more of an understanding that .

I realized another friend was clearly using me for social advancement by attempting to befriend all the influential people I introduced her to at events. Whenever we spent time together, I was always the one to suggest plans or check in. I haven’t received a message from her since last year, after I introduced her to a socialite at an event, and now I regularly see them together on social media.

Simultaneously, I began to attract friendships that embodied the traits on my list, such as ambition, kindness, and emotional maturity. I found friends who preferred to spend consistent quality time together in activities like dance class, tennis, or yoga, instead of meeting for a meal or drinks twice a year. We coordinated our schedules to ensure we met weekly. If more than two weeks passed without us seeing each other, we treated it as a pressing issue that needed immediate attention. I met these new friends through regular participation in hobbies like running clubs, meditation classes, and acting classes, where encountering the same people weekly facilitated the development of friendships.

What was interesting was that creating the list not only helped me attract new people, but it also made me more deliberate about my own role as a friend. I made a conscious effort to be a better friend. I pushed myself to be open and vulnerable, and I also showed that I was available to invest in the relationship. Instead of just sharing memes on Instagram, I would send a short voice message to my close friends to ask their opinion on something or tell them about an ordinary event from my week. I also stopped engaging with friends whose sole method of maintaining contact was sharing memes.

The entire experience turned out to be a deeply reflective process, a kind of emotional clearing out that transformed my understanding of connection and belonging.