(SeaPRwire) – By: Logan Pierce
When someone we care about faces a rough patch, our natural instinct is to jump in with advice. But as Alli Spotts – De Lazzer, a therapist in Chattanooga, Tenn, points out, advice often lands better after the person feels understood. Rushing into solutions can make them feel dismissed.
Before speaking, we should ask ourselves who we’re really trying to soothe. Cheryl Groskopf, a marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, notes that giving advice might calm us more than the person in need. We can’t solve all their problems. Instead, we should help them tolerate uncertainty. Groskopf suggests saying, “You might not need to have all the answers right now.”
Making the person feel less alone is crucial. Spotts – De Lazzer compares it to sitting quietly on a bench with them. Short responses like “That sounds hard” let them know they’re not alone. Asking, “Can I sit with you in this for a minute, just so you’re not alone?” can be very comforting.
We should also let them be the expert on their own life. Mary McLaughlin, a social worker in Vienna, Va, recommends using empathetic statements like “It makes sense you feel that way.” Acting like we know their situation better can make them feel misunderstood. When nudging them towards a decision, asking “What comes to mind when you think about doing this?” is more effective.
Guessing what someone needs is a common pitfall. Melissa Gluck, a psychologist in New York, advises asking, “What do you need?” Some may not know, but many do. It only takes a few seconds to ask and can prevent solving unnecessary problems.
Sometimes, doing nothing for a second can be the most supportive thing. Groskopf says a moment of silence gives the person more safety and regulation. Big, alarmed reactions can backfire, while a calm presence signals that their emotions are normal and survivable.
Rather than giving advice, we can trade it for curiosity. Gluck’s question, “It sounds like part of you already knows what you’d do—what’s stopping you?” helps the person think through their issues and get unstuck.
McLaughlin reminds us to stay in our lane. Before jumping in to solve a problem, we should ask, “Whose problem is this?” Instead, we can remind them of their capabilities, like saying, “I’ve seen you work through hard things before.”
When someone is hurting, offering reassurance too soon can seem dismissive. Spotts – De Lazzer says phrases like “Cheer up” or “It’s going to be fine” may not work. We should acknowledge the pain first and then offer hope, like “I know it’ll pass. But right now it sucks, and I’m here.”
Finally, support isn’t just about words. Practical gestures like dropping off dinner or offering to pick up their kid from school can make a big difference, especially during tough times.
Author bio: Logan Pierce, an independent business researcher and corporate governance writer on Medium.