Want to Be a Better Negotiator? Learn How to Give a Little

(SeaPRwire) –   Regardless of your profession, relationship status, family responsibilities, volunteer work, or social life, you are constantly engaging in negotiation.

Consider daily life: handling requests, asking for favors, adjusting travel itineraries, scheduling meetings with coworkers, or planning dates. All of these require negotiating times, locations, and activities, as well as sharing and understanding different perspectives. Ultimately, much of life revolves around negotiation—determining who goes first, establishing trust, and navigating social dynamics.

Yet, negotiation is an active skill that few of us have formally studied or practiced, meaning most people struggle with it. While we might rely on trial-and-error tactics, we often don’t understand why they succeed or fail. This becomes especially challenging during major life events, such as disputing medical bills with insurers, finalizing divorce terms, resolving family inheritance disputes, or advocating for a salary increase or promotion at work.

While effective negotiation involves many elements, the first step is capturing the other party’s attention and establishing a connection. Although it is tempting to immediately demand what you want, securing a favorable outcome is much easier once you have built rapport. This foundational concept of rapport-building is exactly how we introduce our negotiation courses at MIT and the University of Michigan.

When my husband and I moved into our dream home, we were met with hostility from a neighbor disputing our driveway and well easement. The situation left me feeling angry and helpless. When I called my mother for advice, she suggested bringing him a glass of lemonade. Though skeptical at first, I followed her advice, and that simple, voluntary gesture completely shifted our dynamic. Years later, when I needed his permission for a vital gas line easement, he agreed. This experience taught me how reciprocity can repair even the most difficult relationships.

Cultivating reciprocity—metaphorically offering “lemonade”—is a powerful tool for fostering positive connections. This gesture does not literally have to be a beverage; it could be a meal, event tickets, a coffee, or simply a timely, kind remark. The key is to provide something the other person genuinely values or appreciates.

Offering a small token to initiate a cycle of mutual goodwill is a highly effective negotiation strategy. While it won’t work every time, the low cost of the gesture means there is very little risk if it fails. Think of it like fishing: sometimes you lose the bait, but it is easily replaced.

To help foster reciprocity, we teach three key strategies in our courses:

Offer their preferred choice

There are many ways to offer “lemonade,” but you should tailor it to the recipient’s tastes. If a coworker prefers a specific brand of lemonade, do not substitute it with an organic alternative.

If you are buying coffee for your father-in-law, find out exactly how he likes it. This approach is highly effective when you take the time to understand the recipient. Studies show that personalized gestures generate much stronger positive reactions, such as bringing a teacher her exact favorite latte order.

Adopt a child’s perspective

Reciprocity appeals to fundamental human psychology, where simple gestures often yield the best results. Research indicates that food gifts often prompt greater reciprocity than non-food items of equal value, likely because they address basic physiological needs. This principle holds true in negotiations, whether you are offering a refreshing drink, a sincere compliment, or supportive words to a stressed colleague. If it is something a child would appreciate, it is generally a safe bet.

Keep it voluntary

It is crucial to distinguish between a voluntary gesture and capitulating to a demand. If someone demands a favor, refuse it. Yielding to pressure does not lead to successful negotiation outcomes. While polite requests are acceptable, the gesture must ultimately be your own free choice, made without coercion.

Submitting to threats or demands only encourages the other party to continue using aggressive tactics.

Offering a thoughtful gesture is an excellent starting point for building rapport and establishing a connection. While it does not guarantee a deep friendship, it significantly improves your chances. Try utilizing reciprocity in your interactions and observe how others respond.

Adapted from NEVER SETTLE: Persuasion and Negotiation Skills to Get What You Want by Attia Qureshi and John Richardson with permission from S&S/Simon Acumen.