At first, your group chat probably seemed like a great idea. However, now your phone keeps buzzing non – stop. Memes are piling up, your college roommate is cracking inappropriate jokes, side conversations are increasing in number, people are discussing politics, and somehow, you’re being asked to give your opinion on brunch plans for a city you no longer reside in.

You want to get out. But how? It’s a complicated matter, experts say.

“On some level, we all anticipate that a text exchange will give us a sense of belonging. But that doesn’t always happen, particularly in a group chat,” says Patrick Walden, a therapist in Philadelphia. “Group chats can mirror family dynamics: People start to question, ‘What’s my role here? Where do I fit in? Is my voice respected? Why did he get the ‘haha’ reaction and I didn’t?’”

Ideally, when a notification appears on your phone, you should feel open – minded, curious, and full of energy, according to Walden. If receiving a text makes you physically flinch or makes you feel tense, filled with dread and resentment, it might be time to leave. We asked experts exactly how to handle your departure.

The problem with group chats

There are numerous reasons why group texting threads are so problematic. When you interact with people digitally, you miss out on crucial cues, or signals that help you understand how people perceive what you’re saying.

“If you’re talking to a group of people at a party, you have a fairly good idea of who else is trying to get their attention, how they’re interacting with each other, and what kind of things are appropriate to say in that situation,” says Jeremy Birnholtz, a professor in the school of communication at Northwestern University, who conducts research on human – computer interaction issues. “But when you’re in an online group chat, you don’t know how many other chats your friends are part of, how many notifications they’re receiving, or how long it should take you to respond.”

Are your friends annoyed at receiving yet another cat video? Did that joke have the impact you thought it would? Who knows! “Based on the available information, you simply don’t have a good understanding of other people’s expectations,” Birnholtz says. “There could easily be disputes like, ‘Why don’t you reply when I send something?’ Or, ‘Oh my God, why do you guys send so many messages to this chat?’”

For some people, it’s just too much. That’s why Yovanna Madhere, a therapist in Atlanta, suggests getting into the habit of evaluating your capacity before accepting every invitation to join a group chat. Get an idea of who’s in the chat, how active it is, and whether its purpose is to plan future gatherings, talk about work or politics, share TV recommendations, or something completely different. “We often use group chats as a means to connect with others, but sometimes we regret it once we’re actually in the chat,” she says. “You think, ‘This isn’t what I wanted.’ If you ask some empowering questions in advance, you can determine whether this particular group chat is suitable for you, your time, and your communication style.”

Alternatives to ditching the group

In some cases, there’s no need to leave the group chat completely. Instead, find “social workarounds” that let you pay less attention while still being aware of the most important messages, Birnholtz suggests. “There are many ways to avoid receiving notifications or reading the messages,” he says, such as muting the group (or certain members). “You can check it once a week and just see what’s going on without having to make a big exit.”

Or, ask a close friend to inform you separately if something urgent is shared—this way, you can choose when to tune in. “If you have a friend who can act as a filter for you because you know they’re monitoring the messages and will have a good sense of what’s important, that’s a great strategy,” Birnholtz says.

Hold the group accountable

John Sovec, a therapist in Pasadena, Calif., keeps in touch with his elementary – school friends through a group chat. It has its ups and downs: Currently, it’s all about football; sometimes it gets political or turns into a recipe – sharing thread. “Over time, I’ve learned to just let it go with the flow, because there have been moments when I thought, ‘Oh, this really makes me uncomfortable,’” he says. “But we’ve been friends for so long that I move on. And in the process of not getting offended, the next week I might come across a really cool ramen recipe.”

Occasionally, though, Sovec feels the need to speak up. When a friend recently made an off – putting joke, he gently called them out: “Hey, this might be going too far.” The person who posted it then called him and apologized for not realizing they’d crossed a line. “We managed to repair the situation really well,” Sovec says. “Groups can recover surprisingly well if we trust them.”

If you decide to leave, should you announce your departure?

If you’re leaving a group chat that includes all the other members of your high – school graduating class, you can do so without notice—chances are, no one will even notice you’re gone. However, if you’re leaving a small, close – knit group, you should let your friends know about your departure.

Experts say the most graceful ways to leave are brief, non – accusatory, and focused on your own needs rather than the group’s behavior. Sovec and Walden suggest using these lines:

• “I’m going to take a break from the group chat for a while, but I wish everyone the best.”
• “Hey all—the chat has become more political than I can handle right now, so I’m going to step away.”
• “I’m trying to avoid gossip, so I’m leaving the group.”
• “I’m reducing my phone time for my mental health.”
• “I’m minimizing notifications this year, so I’m stepping back from group texts.”
• “I’m focusing more on one – on – one connections at the moment.”

No matter which approach you choose, remember that you have every right to set boundaries. “Group chats and notifications promise closeness, but they don’t always provide the connection we need,” Walden says. “And humans are seeking connection, not just access.”

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